creative maverick

Why don’t people change? Why do we struggle on with the same old problems, wanting to be happier, more successful, to have better relationships, but not getting very far?

To explain why I think this is, I need to talk about Bono, lead singer of U2.

A lot of people find Bono annoying, particularly in Britain where hating Bono has become something of a national sport. There are T-Shirts, blogs and more than one Facebook group.

Why do people hate Bono?

Whatever you might think of his music, when the strength of feeling is far out of proportion to what he does you can be sure it’s not simply a matter of taste. (Let’s face it there are far more despicable people out there in the world)

Bono is hated in Britain in particular because he breaks the rules of British culture. He gets ideas above his station, he behaves as if he actually is all that. And this is the great taboo of our country - to boast, to be arrogant, to believe you have the right to change the world.

The cost of this taboo is that we Brits err towards being apologetic, downplaying our abilities, and suppressing our own power. It is a culture of playing small.

When a natural part of our personality (in this case, our confidence and willingness to acknowledge our own talents) is suppressed at an early age, we see it all the larger in others. And we hate it.

It’s a universal (and uncomfortable) truth that our salvation lies in that which we hate. Wherever your life is stuck, whether it’s wanting more confidence in your work, making more money, allowing yourself to relax, or having a better sex life, you have locked away the part of yourself you most need.

How do you find out what this part is? Look at who you hate. Whoever you find most irritating or infuriating will represent the part you have hidden. If you’re suppressing your own confidence, it might be Bono. If you’re suppressing your sexuality, it might be Russell Brand, Helen Mirren or Belle de Jour. If it’s allowing yourself to relax, it’s the guy at work who seems to do no work at all and gets away with it.

The solution

Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting you become exactly what you hate. You may not want to start wearing wrap-around shades. Indoors. Mixed in with your prejudice, there may be some very valid reasons for disliking someone. But you can still use that person as a pointer to what you need.

Look at this person that irritates you, ask what it is that gets your goat, then ask yourself “If I could have a more palatable version of what they represent (confidence, ease with making money, more access to my own sexuality), would that help me get what I most long for in my life?”

I bet the answer is yes.

The question now is how to do you find a more attractive model for this quality? If you want confidence but hate Bono, don’t try to emulate him. Choose a model you can respect. Perhaps the quiet assuredness and brilliance of Bonnie Greer facing Nick Griffin on Question Time.

Keep them in mind whenever you want more of this part of yourself. Find a photo of them on google images, print it out and keep it visible as a reminder of this quality. Let them be your virtual mentor. When faced with your challenge ask “What would my mentor do?” and let them inspire you to do the same.

Leave a comment and let me know what you think.